I’M GOING TO TRY TO FIND ME AGAIN– & MY SCHEDULE!!!!!

I HAVE BEEN OFF MY SCHEDULE– EVER SINCE GARY RETIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTHING UPSETS MY  WHOLE SYSTEM-&- MY BODY-&- MY ATTITUDE-&- MY EATING SCHEDULE-&- MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE-&- MY WHOLE LIFE PATTERN LIKE BEING TOTALLY COMPLETELY OFF MY OVER “60 YEAR REGULAR SCHEDULE” FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS SINCE GARY RETIRED!!! 

I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE UP–& WORKING &-DOING– & GETTING IT DONE– MAINLY ALSO BECAUSE WE OWNED BUSINESSES & SOMEONE HAD TO DO IT & IF IT WASN’T ME IT DIDN’T GET DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY HUSBAND– IS ONE WHO CAN SIT AROUND & TALK ABOUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE-&- WHAT WE MIGHT DO SOME DAY– OR WHAT USE TO BE FOR HIM OF– “HOW HE COULD GET OUT OF DOING IT—–SO I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT ALL”!!!!!!!!!!! OR HE WOULD SAY– I NEED TO WRITE HIM OUT A LIST OF WHAT I WANTED HIM TO DO—MOST OF THE TIME– IF I HAD THE TIME TO WRITE HIM A LIST– THAT HE DIDN’T DO ANY WAY– IT  WOULD BE MUCH EASIER TO DO IT MY SELF– & HE KNEW THIS!!! PLUS– WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO WRITE A MATURE MAN A LIST– —-NO ONE MADE ALL THE MILLIONS OF LISTS OF THINGS THAT I HAD TO DO &  WAS EXPECTED TO DO– & DID BECAUSE IT HAD TO BE DONE!! WHERE THE HELL WAS MY LIST MAKER– OR  ANYONE WHO COULD EVEN SEE WHAT HAD TO BE DONE BESIDES ME & DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DID EVERYTHING THAT HAD TO BE DONE– & ANYTHING ELSE THAT NO ONE ELSE DID OR WANTED TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!

GARY HAS BEEN RETIRED GOING ON 5 YEARS NOW—— & I AM THIS MORNING TO THE POINT OF PULLING MY HAIR OUT!!!!!!!!! AS WHEN HE DID HAVE A  JOB– I HAD THE HOUSE TO MYSELF– & I GOT UP & DIDN’T DRINK COFFEE ALL MORNING TALKING ABOUT WHAT MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE DONE THAT DAY- I JUST DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T MIND MORNING COFFEE TOGETHER— BUT IT NEEDS O BE EARLIER & HAVE BREAKFAST– OUR GREEN DRINK– A CUP OF COFFEE– & GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!! GET SOMETHING DONE & NOT SIT AROUND & TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT MY MCS HAS GOTTEN SOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE– TO THE POINT THAT I CAN’T DO ALL THE THINGS I USE TO DO—- I’M THE BROKEN DOWN WORK HORSE– WHO USED TOOOOOOOO MANY CHEMICAS FOR YEARS WORKING– WORKING– WORKING– WORKING– MAKING SURE EVERYTHING WAS DONE– & WE HAD MONEY TO LIVE & TO RETIRE!!! WHILE GARY TALKED ABOUT IT–OR LOST HIS LIST OF THINGS TO DO!!! AND GARY USUALLY WORKED NIGHT SHIFT AT WHERE EVER HE HAD A JOB AWAY FROM HOME & OUR BUSINESSES — SO WE ALWAYS WORKED AROUND HIS SLEEPING DURING THE DAY TIME!!

I CAN NO LONGER VACUUM— & I USE TO VACUUM SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK— NOW I CAN’T!!!!!! MY LIVER JUST DOESN’T ALLOW THAT——MY LIVER DOESN’T ALLOW A LOT OF ACTIVITY ANYMORE!!!! I CAN’T REACH– & LIFT– & STAND OR WALK MUCH EITHER—–

BUT—- FOR ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT  OF 5 YEARS NOW-PLUS—MY WHOLE INSIDE CLOCK IS OFF  & TOTALLY SCREWED UP——-I’M SLEEPING AT THE WRONG TIMES– WAKING UP AT THE WRONG TIMES– EATING AT THE WRONG TIMES– GETTING EXERCISE AT THE WRONG TIMES– NOT ABLE TO DO THINGS AT THE TIMES I USE TO—— & IT IS NOT ONLY MAKING MY WHOLE SYSTEM CRAZY– IT IS MESSING WITH MY MIND ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS ALWAYS A VERY VERY VERY VERY GOOD HOUSEKEEPER—— NOW– I CAN’T DO ALL THE THINGS I USE TO—- & THE SYSTEM IS TOTALLY OFF——

WHEN GARY IS GONE FOR THE DAY— I GET THE MOST DONE I HAVE IN MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!  OTHER WISE– IT IS THE WRONG TIMING– FOR MY BODY-OF DOING EVERYTHING!!!

I  HAVE TO GET UP & GET AT THINGS—– I CAN’T SIT AROUND  & TALK ABOUT IT-OR THEN I’M NOT ANY LONGER ABLE TO DO IT—– MY EATING IS THEN OFF— MY SLEEPING IS OFF—— MY WHOLE INSIDE CLOCK IS LIKE SOMEONE— SMASHED IT– & WITH MY HEALTH PROBLEMS– I CAN’T SEEM TO GET BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I’M SOMEONE ELSE– EATING AT THE WRONG TIMES—SITTING AROUND NOT GETTING THINGS DONE HOW I WANT—- OR WHEN I WANT!!

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR– IS THIS ME— MY HAIR IS MORE GRAY– I’M HEAVIER– & WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!!! MCS HAS ME LIVING IN A SAFE HOME– I CAN’T OFTEN LEAVE– MCS– HAS SCREWED WITH EVERYTHING I DO IN LIFE– MY ACTIVITIES– MY EATING– MY ID SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN BY MCS– THEN —- MY WHOLE DARNED SCHEDULE IS OFF—— EATING– SLEEPING— NOT GETTING ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY HOUSE USE TO BE IN PERFECT ORDER– BEFORE I EVEN WENT TO BED EACH NIGHT—– EVERYHTING DONE–NOT ONE THING OUT OF PLACE—– NOW I FOLLOW BEHIND GARY & THEN JUST GIVE UP– AS I FEEL SOOOOOOO BAD — I CAN’T DO IT!!! MY HOUSE ISN’T BAD-BUT NOT UP TO “MY STANDARDS” ANY MORE MOST OF THE TIME— BUT GARY’S EX-WIFE LIVED LIKE A HOG OR WORSE— & SOMETIMES– I TELL HIM –I FEEL LIKE HE IS TRYING TO MAKE ME LIVE LIKE THAT ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I’M NOT UP IN THE MORNING– BY A CERTAIN TIME & HAVE MY GREEN DRINK & BANANA & A CUP OF COFFEE– THEN MY WHOLE DAY IS OFF— MY WHOLE SYSTEM IS OFF– MY WHOLE PLANNING IS OFF– MY HEAD IS OFF –MY INSIDE CLOCK IS OFF–  MY EATING TIMES ARE OFF FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY!!!!!!!! WITH MY MCS– I HAVE FOUND I NEED TO EAT 6 SMALL MEALS– OR 3 SMALL MEALS & 3 SNACKS A DAY— & AT THE SAME TIMES– FOR MY SYSTEM TO WORK PROPERLY– OTHER WISE– I’M PHYSCIALLY NOT ANY LONER ABLE TO DO THINGS– THEN IF I’M EXPOSED TO TOXIC CHEMCIALS– YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT ME & GET IT OVER WITH!!!!!!!!

IF I GO PAST EATING TIME– THEN I’M SHAKING ON THE INSIDE SO BAD THAT I CAN’T COOK TO FIX THE FOOD I NEEDED TO EAT!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU JUST EAT SOMETHING– SO YOU ARE NOT LAYING ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP!!!!!!!!

THE EATING TIME IS OFF– THE SYSTEM IS OFF– THE SLEEPING TIME IS OFF– & YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP– & ARE NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING YOU PLANNED- WHICH THEN IS VERY DEPRESSING TO ME– THAT I’M NOT ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH ANY THING– BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE CRAP– & YOU FEEL SOOOO BAD THAT YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO GET THE EXERCISE YOU NEED WHICH MAKES YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HEAR MY MCS SISTERS SAYS—- I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANY MORE– THIS ILLNESS HAS CLAIMED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!! WELL I HAVE FOUGHT THAT– & FOUGHT THAT– & TODAY THE DAMNED MCS WON——– I GOT UP WAY TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LATE—— FROM THE WRONG SCHEDULE THE DAY BEFORE———- SO THEN MY EATING TIME WAS OFF– I WAS ALREADY MESSED UP INSIDE FROM THE WRONG EATING– OR NOT EATING—- SO THE REST OF THE DAY—– IS CRAP— IT IS ALL MESSED UP—- NOTHING IS GOING TO BE WHEN IT SHOULD BE–

WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN OFF SCHEDULE FOR 5 YEARS-BECAUSE OF YOUR HUSBAND’S RETIREMENT– THEN- HOW DO I GET BACK ON TRACK– & WHEN I CAN’T DO WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DO WHEN I WAS ON TRACK!!!!!

WE JUST HAD LUNCH– THAT GARY HAD TO FIX– AS I WAS TOOOOOO SICK FROM BEING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OFF SCHEDULE I WAS NOT ABLE TO COOK-SHAKING ON THE INSIDE SO BAD– THAT I WAS STARTING TO SHAKE ON THE OUTSIDE ALSO— BUT I’M A MEAL & A SNACK & MY GREEN DRINK & HEMP OIL & BANANA BEHIND!!!!!!!!!  WHICH IS GOING TO TOTALLY THROW ME OFF– & I FEEL LIKE A TRUCK RAN OVER ME– FROM ALL OF IT NOT HAPPENING LIKE IT SHOULD HAVE– NOT EATING WHAT I SHOULD HAVE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!

I HEAR ALL THE TIME– FROM MY MCS SISTERS– ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT KEEPING THEIR EATING SCHEDULE IS & SLEEPING SCHEDULE IS– ETC ETC–EXERCISE AT THE SAME TIME– ETC ETC—

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO JUST START OVER— REWIND TO THE TIME GARY RETIRED– & GET MYSELF BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I MEAN MYSELF– NOT JUST THE SCHEDULE—-BUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL THE MCS– & GARY HAVE CLAIMED ME–& MY ANY FORM OF “MY NORMAL”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T DO ANYTHING I USE TO DO-OR HOW OR WHEN I DID IT—–WHAT HAPPENED TO ME– I SEE — GLINTS OF ME SOMETIMES– BUT NOT ME— WHERE – DID I GO???????????? WHO IS THIS SICK PERSON– WITH GRAY HAIR– & NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING SHE MADE UP HER MIND TO DO!!!!!!!!!! WHERE DID I GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M GOING TO TRY TO FIND HER– GET HER ON A SCHEDULE– & SO SHE CAN FEEL BETTER– & HAVE CONTROL OF HER LIFE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON’T EVEN LAUGH LIKE ME OR DO THINGS THAT SHOCK PEOPLE ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!! I’M BORING & OFF SCHEDULE–& LETTING THIS DANMED MCS RULE MY LIFE— & LETTING GARY’S LAZY ATTITUDE WORK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND & DRINK COFFEE & LET GARY TALK ABOUT WHAT HE MIGHT & MIGHT NOT DO——I’M GOING TO FIND “ME” AGAIN– & JUST GET UP & DO IT——- NOT FRECKING DRINK A POT OF COFFEE & TALK ABOUT  IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND GARY CAN CHASE BEHIND ME– OR DECIDE TO DO SOMETHING HIMSELF– HE CAN BE PROUD OF WITH OUT SOMEONE POINTING OUT TO HIM WHAT HAS TO BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!  GARY HAVE PRIDE IN HIMSELF– & DOING SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE DONE– WITHOUT PULLING TEETH TO GET HIM TO DO IT-&-BECAUSE I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS DID IT– BECAUSE IT WAS EASIER TO DO IT MYSELF & NOW I CAN’T DO IT !!!!

I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO SPRING– & BEING ABLE TO OPEN UP THE HOUSE & DO A DEEP CLEANING— I KNOW I CAN’T DO WHAT –I WANT TO DO– BUT I’LL DO THE BEST I CAN——- WHO KNOWS MAYBE IN GARY’S OLD AGE– HE WILL DECIDE TO HELP– & DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE– MAYBE HE WILL EVEN DECIDE TO DO THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE & WHEN THEY NEED DONE–WITHOUT A LIST & BEGGING  —I KNOW– -I’M EXPECTING MIRACLES——- BUT THEY DO STILL HAPPEN!!!

I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN– WITHOUT THE CHAINS & -WITH OUT ALL THE BURDENS – IF I CAN GET ON “MY SHCEDULE”– THEN MAYBE I’LL FEEL LIKE BEING ABLE TO DO MORE———THE RIGHT EATING AT THE RIGHT TIMES– SLEEPING AT THE RIGHT TIMES– & DOING THE THINGS I WANT TO DO– WILL GIVE ME THE EXCERISE I NEED!!!

AFTER 5 YEARS OF OFF SCHEDULE—— I’M FINDING “MY SCHEDULE” AGAIN– & I’M GOING TO DO ALL THE THINGS I CAN TO IMPROVE MY HEALTH– SO MY MCS IS BETTER UNDER CONTROL— BY BEING TOTALLY OFF “MY SCHEDULE”– IT GAVE MY MCS & HEALTH PROBLEMS CONTROL OVER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I HATE— HATE— HATE— HATE– HATE– HATE– A LAZY ATTITUDE– & DRINKING COFFEE & TALKING ABOUT IT—- ALWAYS HAVE-&- ALWAYS WILL– IT IS OK– TO SIT & HAVE A CUP-BUT THEN– THE DAY IS TOTALLY COMPLETELY OFF SCHEDULE IF I GO BEYONG THAT/ SO I NO LONGER WILL BE A PART OF THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

TODAY– IS OFF TO A REALLY REALLY BAD START—— BUT I’M GOING TO GRAB IT BY THE EARS– & GET OUT MY PIGGIN STRING– & TIE IT UP &   REGAIN SOME FORM OF CONTROL & GET SOME FORM OF A SCHEDULE BACK THAT WORKS FOR ME– & SOME FORM OF ME BACK!!! I’M SOOOOOOOOO GLAD THAT GROUNDHOG SAID –EARLY SPRING– AS I’M READY FOR DEEP SPRING HOUSE CLEANING—– DIGGING IN THE DIRT– PLANTING SEEDS– ETC –ETC—  I AM NOT A SIT AROUND & TALK ABOUT IT PERSON– I AM A OMG– I REALLY DID THAT PERSON!!!!!

I’M GOING TO TRY TO FINE ME AGAIN– & MY SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wish-i-had

 I’M GOING TO GET BACK TO THIS PERSON ^^^^ WHO IS REALLY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOT THE COFFEE DRINKER — WHO JUST TALKS ABOUT IT— &I’M GOING TO GET ON “MY SCHEDULE” AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIND “ME” AGAIN–“MY NORMAL” AGAIN- I HAVE MISSED MYSELF & MY NORMAL & MY SCHEDULE & MY TIMING!!!!    🙂  I CAN’T REMEMBER FEELING GOOD FOR 5 YEARS– IT IS TIME TO FEEL SOMETHING BESIDES CRAP AGAIN & OUT OF CONTROL–& OFF SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO RESET MY INSIDE CLOCK– TO THE RIGHT TIME FOR ME!!!!!!

LATER –GATORS

About sondasmcschatter

I was encouraged to start a blog as I suffer from MCS /multi chemical sensitivities & other health problems & I have helped several hundred others who suffer from MCS set up "Safe Homes" & given them encouragement & HOPE & share information & lots of laughs along the way also. When you choose to use fragrances, chemicals, or pesticides, You are not simply making a choice for yourself, You are making a choice for everyone around you!!!! What makes me an expert on MCS-- not a darn thing-- BUT have lived with it for years-& years- & have learned lots the HARD WAY-- by experience!! And want to give others help & HOPE & encouragement -- as I know there are not many who understand what it is to live with this illness- & ALL THAT GOES WITH IT!!! Internet has been my way of communication with many who we are confined to their "safe homes" all over the USA & other countries!! I have communicated with many HUNDRED by e-mail-- phone & letters & internet forums-- I hope this blog will help in a better way to share laughter-- hope & information!!! As for many are not any longer able to even leave their homes-- & communication is sooo important & sharing & encouragement & GIVING HOPE!!!
This entry was posted in Just chatter!!!!!!!, MCS, What the heck is going on in Branson???. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I’M GOING TO TRY TO FIND ME AGAIN– & MY SCHEDULE!!!!!

  1. I hear you!!! There are days when I am tired and the grandchildren aren’t here that I think well I will just sit around in my jammies and do my paperwork, ironing, etc. I slug along. I find that even if I am tired and don’t feel like doing much I am better off if I get up at my normal time, shower, dress and then begin my day. I find that I feel more productive if I am “dressed for success” so to speak even if that is a pair of jeans, t-shirt and tennis shoes. The days that I allow myself to sleep in because I am just in need of sleep does help me recover for sleep but sets me up for a day of nothing getting done. I did sleep in a little this morning and started the day off ironing in my jammies but then jumped in the shower and have gotten more accomplished than I thought I would. I want to be done so that I can be in the same room with husband when he watches the superbowl while I quietly read or embroider. I hope you find yourself soon. I know how hard it is for us to get lost easily in the land of MCS.

    • THANKS KATHY— I RECEIVED E-MAILS FROM SOOOOO MANY OF OUR MCS SISTERS– WHO SAID—- OMG– YOU JUST DESCRIBED ME– & SEVERAL SAID– I THINK WE ARE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN!!!!! 🙂 MY MARRIED LIFE HAS ALWAYS REVOLVED AROUND GARY & HIS ACTIVITIES & TRYING TO MEET HIS EVERY NEED INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MEET MY OWN NEEDS!!!!!!!! I WAS ALSO SOOOOOOOOO BUSY MANAGEING OUR MANY BUSINESSES– & MAKING SURE EVERYONE ELSE WAS OK– I OFTEN DID NOT TAKE CARE OF MYSELF— OR LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF–I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE CARE GIVER IN OUR FAMILY– ALWAYS & THE CHIEF COOK & BOTTLE WASHER– SO TO SPEAK!!!
      WHEN GARY RETIRED & WE MOVED TO RESORT LIFE–IN THE OZARKS– MY LIFE HAS TOTALLY COMPLETLEY REVOLVED AROUND HIM—- TIME TO MAKE MY OWN SCHEDULE— OR I WON’T BE AROUND MUCH LONGER AT THIS RATE!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS GLAD FOR YOUR COMMENTS KATHY!!!!!!!! LATER—

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